Speechless....

Our mind can sometimes be a useful tool. We depend on it to help us navigate the complexities of this human life. It has been my experience that it works well when given lots of time and a calm platform on which to perform. However, when emotions are particularly intense, it is exceedingly inadequate. It just screams bad advice and doubt in our tired lives.

If my intention is not to blame, control, analyze, withdraw or try harder, then my mind is left speechless. This is the only conversation the brain can engage in. It is boring, unskilful and of no use to find peace in our lives.

This is exactly how I would like my mind to be right now in my life. Speechless.

With the intention of expanding speechlessness, I have been exploring the five questions proposed by Ezra Baydo in his book on Zen.

These questions are designed to help short circuit the minds attempt to generate the mental noise that keeps us from running in circles around ourselves as to never meet ourselves. How can we have compassion and practice kindness to ourselves without ever being able to sit and have tea with our truth.

The first question that I explored was "What is this?" Not "Why is this?" The "why" question is the victim question that the brain loves to play around with and leads us nowhere. That is the question that generates all the thoughts that keep us away from our life. The "what is this" question is actually a Zen koan, in that it can't be answered by the thinking mind. The only answer comes from entering directly into the immediate, physical experience of the present moment. This place is actually our life and where we live. The "why" question takes us to the past and the future, where we do not live. The "what" question helps us arrive at the present moment which is where are life really is.

 This retreat from the frantic mental energy generated by the need to scramble to safe ground whenever an intense sensation visits us, was amazingly helpful. It points the way to understanding and managing these feelings. Much gratitude to all my teachers for this wonderful tool. I have been able to get closer to the edge where the thoughts meet the body. When bodily sensations meet thoughts.....this is where the emotions that carry us away from our present life are created.

The second question is "Can I see this as my path?" I found myself trying to skip right by this question. I had an impulse  to attack this one with "expert brain". Oh yeah, yeah! I'll practice that later, sort of like the question on the exam you leave to last. this is is not such a simple concept when you are in the mud.

What I was avoiding was the visualizing of myself in the mud. When I did find the focus, patience and mud to contemplate this question, I found myself quite adamantly declaring that "these upsetting events" were NOT part of my path. I had to turn around and look at myself in astonishment. I knew that this was not the right answer. This question is clearly the critical step where we can welcome our distress, because we understand that as long as we continue to resist our experience we will not be fully in our life.....we will be running away from our true experience of our life.....the mud, right now.

Our strategies for comfort and safety limit our life and keep us running away from ourselves.

"It is absolutely fundamental that we learn that when difficult situations and feelings arise, they are not obstacles to be avoided, but rather these difficulties are, the path itself."

Third question is "What is my most believed thought?" We take our opinions as truth and the deepest beliefs often stay beneath the surface of our thoughts.

"We are often unaware but there poisonous footprints often manifests themselves in our anger, blame, depression and shame."  These deep seated beliefs often dictate how we feel and act, and they continue to run unconsciously. I find the power of unconscious beliefs astonishing, and feel humbled every time I encounter a belief that was fueling me. This question requires courage and honesty. Never be satisfied with the surface answer when using this question as an aid to understanding. Be persistent! Be patient! And then it can be your guru.

The fourth question is "Can I let this experience just be?" Not judging our experience as defective, not needing it be something different allows us to snuggle up to our present reality and put some compassion in place for ourselves.  We are no longer judging ourselves. We are starting to understand that this is just what a human life is.....and we feel compassion for ourselves and all other humans. What an enormous relief! What if I just let what is......be. Am I still safe?  Is there really anything else to do but sit in where I am. This is my life .... right now. So let it be my life right now.

The fifth question is "What is going on right now?" This simple question requires acknowledging the objective situation. What is the truth of today. Is this present moment bringing us unhappiness. Or is it just our thoughts about the past and future that are bringing us unhappiness. Are we allowed to sit in today and enjoy the gifts that we have right now.  But to achieve this, we need to see the difference between our thoughts of what is happening and the actual facts of the situation. This may help by providing the insight that there is no physical discomfort other that the discomfort triggered by believing in my fear based thoughts. Again, back to zero.

All of these questions bring me back to zero! My meditation on these questions brings me back to zero. Meditation brings me back to zero. Thanks to my teachers for helping me recognize zero when I arrive there. This is the speechless destination.......I am not going to go back to check my spelling.....I will leave it at zero......