I am the child....

I am the child,
the birth,
the new way,
the inbreath,
the energy of life,
the surprise we all know about.

I am the joy spirit,
running and jumping,
trying to reach it,
singing outside your kitchen window.

I am the dancing child,
Watch me move in the air,
to fly and land
to fly and land.

Nx

A thin thread of breath....

The sadness in her eyes
as she polished her womanly shrine,
Her spirit resigned,
Her dreams modified,
This is how she would love God.

Nx

the spider......

Always in search of a new home
In the air outside my window.

Holding softly to the thin lines
of sun spotted dew
Throwing her bulbous body into space.


Intricately designed limbs
Perfectly folded beneath her.

She secures another refuge
in the evening's autumn air
outside my window. 

Nx

What kind of flower are you?

 During my last trip to San Francisco, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a meditation session and dharma talk at the Zen Center. What a gift to be able to meditate in a space so rooted in the ancestry of Western Buddhism. After the meditation, there was a dharma talk in a room full of   seasoned monks and nuns, eager students and visitors.

 

A roshi in her late 60's came into the room, sat and began to speak.

 She began by saying that she was about to resign her position as the head roshi of the zen center, and that the decision to step down had been challenging for her. The thread of her dharma talk focused on her journey to the middle way of this decision......the choice that would cause the lest harm and be the kindest for everyone.

She told us her story.

The previous year, she had been walking on a busy San Francisco street when she noticed the bus that she needed to catch on the other side of the street. When she saw the bus, she was filled with a sense of childlike joyfulness and inhibition. Filled with the energy of this enthusiasm, she impulsively  made a dash across the street to the bus. The next thing she remembered was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.

She giggled as she told the story ...amused at her own heedless behavior.

She had fallen and incurred a head injury. After the incident, she began to have headaches and other symptoms that were interfering with the performance of her job as the roshi of the center.  She had tried to carry on her duties for a year before she realized that, since the accident, she was "a different kind of a flower". She would have to find the right conditions for "this kind of flower".

And this beautiful thought was a great insight to me.....a metaphor that could point the way to the middle of the river.

She explained that for a fern to live fully and completely living out its fern-ness; it would require the conditions of a rain forest.....lots of water and intermittent light.  A fern's roots are shallow and they need water that lies on the surface of the earth. It enjoys small droplet of water on it's skin and just enough sun to call out its fronds gently to the light.

Now if the kind of flower that you are is a cactus ..... you would not thrive in the rain forest........this rain forest does not have the conditions that a cactus needs. A cactus needs the long days of hot sun and intense light, the infrequent water, the cold nights........a fern would do really poorly given these conditions. It would be such a struggle for the fern to be a fern, in the conditions that created the most splendid cactus.

Now the fern is perfectly a fern. When a fern has the conditions that meet it's needs, it is always whole, beautiful and a pleasure to behold....have you ever seen a fern, being anything other than a fern  that was not stunning. No extra effort to be a fern.....just the right conditions.

And the cactus is perfectly a cactus. No extra effort to be a cactus if the conditions are right. When the conditions are scrupulously met......the cactus becomes fully cactus-ness. It takes no extra effort to manifest a flower so brilliant to the cold black starry night and so magnificently scented that every grain of sand in the desert breathes in deeply, grateful for the moment.


Norma

Who understands me but me......

...I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,
I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,
I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love,
my beauty,
I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,
I am stubborn and childish,
in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,
I practice being myself,
and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,
they were goaded out from under rocks in my heart
when the walls were built higher,
when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.
I followed these signs
like an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myself,
followed the blood-spotted path,
deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,
who taught me water is not everything,
and gave me new eyes to see through walls,
and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,
and I was laughing at me with them,
we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?

-Jimmy Santiago Baca, "Who Understands Me but Me"

The nest

The threads of grass, so round and dry, intricately woven,
With small beady eyes and sharp black beak
the blue green lichen is so mindfully placed.
The soft deep center gathered with special care,
Such a safe, delicate place to set oneself.
And all of this love held so high,
Safely cradled in the crook of the limbs
Or delicately balanced on a branch
Covered by design or surprise by the big broad leaf,
To keep the treasure dry and shielded from prey
That would pluck and feed.
This sacred place so instinctual in its creation.

Guided by a small heart beat and a tiny breath
And supported by the assurance of the preciousness of life.

 And here I am.

The creator, the nest, the limb that holds the nest,
The broad leaf that protects the softest deepest place.
I hold my hands out and bring that softest part to my heart.

Nx



.

The seaside....

So kind to me as it caressed my feet, my ankles,
a small line of solid surface moving up my body,
the under of it filling every crevice
until my mouth is full and my eyes disappear in its cool kindness.
So grateful for its loving touch
On this warm summer day.

Nx

like the bird....

The wing is my extention,
my search for balance.
The wind is my ground.
The bird's hollow boned flesh
echoing in the wind.
Earth.
I am your projection,
Fill up the space with the other.

Nx

You came to visit me last night in a dream...

You came to visit me last night.
What a surprise.
A clear, crisp, textured visit.
You showed me your new tattoo
and said, "it does not read the way I was hoping."
We smiled together at the imperfection of our lives.

I had forgotten how pale your skin
and how red your hair.
Always so thick and wild.

When you touched my skin,
It was full of no goodbyes
And when I touched your skin
I felt all of your body
so solid and sure and strong
cradled in my open heart,
laying safely in my arms.

I brought out the basket that I had made for you
from the first spring shoots of the reeds in the pond.
I filled the container with all the gifts that
I have received from you.
I wanted to return them to you.

So we could be human together.

Nx

Desire change

 This is a raw poem that calls from real and authentic places...........places that may be alittle frightening if heard with an open mind/heart......the whole way.....it is a bit scary when you are peeking at the truth of it.............read it out loud!! Read it to the whole audience!! 


Desire change,
Be enthusiastic for that flame
in which a thing escapes your grasp,
while it makes a glorious display of changes.

Be enthusiastic for that flame
in which a thing escapes your grasp,
while it makes a glorious display of transformation.

That designing spirit, the master mind of all things of earth,
loves nothing as much in the sweeping movement
of the dance as the turning point.

Rainer Maria Rilke

you are alive

You do not breath to stay alive,
You are alive so you breath,
You do not eat in order to live,
You are alive so you eat.

Bernie Glassman

the painting

The paint still drips with the enthusiasm of the first stroke,
The red, the yellow, and now the orange
Changing shapes and hues with every push and pull of the brush.
The image is clear, then hides deep inside the shadow of the blue,
Now a face peers out from the darkness.
A little lightness and the face is gone but from the light shines
A setting sun sliding down the mountain.
The moon in the corner must shine on something
Or can it be as it is?
All round and white and full...just that is enough.
No need to show as anything other than what has
Lived behind my eyes.
Nx

I am the one who.....

I am the one who holds it closely and then pushes away,
I am the one who shuts it down and opens it up, 
I am the one who rocks the baby with empty arms
I am the one who rolls in the ashes,
I am the one with the electric body
I am the one who drinks it right to the bottom,
I am the one who never sleeps,
I am the one who sits until all the branches have fallen,
I am the one who coughs up the pain from wounded beings,
And swims in the tears.
I am the one who talks to the chickens and cows,
And asks the little green frog in the grass to stay the night
I am the one who smells the fur of dogs and purrs the cats,
I am the one who bites the pill and races through the wind,
I am the one who plunges deep in the water and rests in the silence,
I am the one who is adored by the dead mother,
I am the one who adores the dead mother,
I am the one who lays in the forest between the rooted columns
And melts into the moss,
I am the one who hears with her eyes
And sees with her ears. 
I am the one who is always listening for the voices that have been left behind.
I am the red one who is always just alittle to big for the room,
I am the one who lets the paint run down her arms
And drip off the ends of her fingers,
I am the one who aches for the love I have lost
And lays tingling on the floor,
I am the one who ran the  beach
feet numb with achy cold water,
I am the one who climbed the mountain
Following the tracks of the wild ones,
I am the one with the slippery skin who slides off the rock
and disappears into the deep cold water.

Norma

The plunge

The small body flew in the air,
Arms and legs searching for the balance
and connection.
Shattering the sharp surface.
And then the silence, deep, dark, unseen.
The relief of weightlessness.
Held in the thick syrupy arms of the water
As it carried her to the surface and sun
As effortlessly as the breath it knew
She would need.

the swing....

The grandfather had planted the pear tree's roots deep
With full assurance of  his heart.
The branches held the ropes tight.
Confident in the strength of its capable limbs,
The swing leaned back with the weight of the child's joy
Head thrown back...body follows....arms stretched long, feet high
The small eyes capturing the canopy of summer leaves and
the sweet yellow fruit.
Just enough room for blue.
All the way home to her grandfather's arms.

Nx

Meeting of the moment

The old mother's hand was laid softly
On the new baby's belly,
And with her  constant heart
And the warm touch of her steady hand
The baby was calmed
And the old woman remembered.

Nx

may your trail be crooked.....

Benedicto: May your trails be crooked,
  winding, lonesome,
dangerous, leading to the most amazing
  view.
May your rivers flow without end,
 meandering through pastoral valleys
  tinkling with bells,
past temples and castles and poets' towers
into a dark primeval forest where tigers
 belch and monkeys howl,
through miasmal and mysterious swamps
 and down into a desert of red rock,
blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and
 grottos of endless stone,
and down again into a deep vast ancient
 unknown chasm
where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled
cliffs,
where deer walk across the white sand
beaches,
where storms come and go
as lightning clangs upon the high crags,
where something strange and more beautiful
and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams
waits for you---
beyond the next turning of the canyon
walls.

--Edward Abby

The distance was so short
 Between the raven's scream
And her heart.
"I missed you," she said.

                           The click of the Raven's feet on the roof
                           He has come to drink
                            I find my breath
                            And return to the world

Relationship Prototype #1


















The way we do one thing,
Is the way we do everything.

Nx

The scarlet thread....

Ever since childhood, I have always been grateful for the sounds of the small birds in the early spring.  All of these sweet small  voices, gathered in hedge rows, singing like a jazz choir,  replacing the sound of the wind and the rain. Their sounds like sharp shards of colored glass. 

As a small child, I was very curious about this subtle change in the sound scape. What is this? The delight of the beginner's mind.  I think there must have been endless questions about this phenomenon, as my mother was drawn in by my curiosity. She would wonder too. She would pretend in that moment that she didn't know either.  We would go to the morning window and with the sunlight on our faces, search the bushes in the yard. I can remember the small heads of the birds that we spotted, slightly raised to the sky as they opened their small mouths and wailed their one good song...over and over.

 My mother carried the names of everything. She had the names of the birds the same way she always had the names of the flowers....effortlessly, these marvelous words would spill out of her mouth. She would tell me what the birds ate and where they would find water to drink. She would explain how the unique sounds would tell one bird where the other bird was living. How they just knew that it was time to make a small home to accommodate their babies, the same way they knew to have a drink from a dew drop on a leaf or exactly where to poke a hole in the ground for a big juicy worm. And when they had assessed the conditions that were just right for them, a nest would be constructed.

What! Not only could they sing and communicate...live on worms and bugs and drink dew....they could construct a perfect home. As a child, this seemed like such a lot of things to do. I really wanted to lend a hand. An anonymous act of kindness. Just a little help to free of up their precious time for a little rest.

 I had decided the front porch was the perfect place to arrange an assortment of building supplies for their nests. It could be seen from the large chestnut tree in the front yard. If they chose this tree, I could climb up and peek at the nest, or wait patiently underneath it for the small bits of sky blue shell to appear.

My mother and I would lay small gifts to the birds on the iron railing on the front porch. We would leave out small bits of cotton, balls of fluffy things....soft bits of cloth we had found and prepared in the house. I imagined I could see the surprise in the birds flapping wings and hurried flight, as he retrieved the treasures.



I would always add a piece of red yarn to the building supplies. If I found the nest in the chestnut tree....how joyful would it be to find the small red thread woven mindfully into a nest by a small yellow beak. It would be fine if I was not able to locate the exact nest that used my very special piece of scarlet thread. I would always have the image in my mind of this nest, somewhere in the forest, cradling the fragile featherless bird who would soon grace our yard.

I climbed a lot of trees as a child. In my life time, I have found and carefully wrapped many small blue pieces of robin eggs shells in paper and carried them home to place on my altar.

Nests have always been about my short precious time with my mother. The scarlet thread that was carefully placed ..... in my hand from my mother's hand.

Norma

make fire..... not ashes

"Poetry is the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

Leonard Cohen

It is not important to make more ashes....make more fire.

And we still cook....

Any moment, preparing this meal,
we could be gassed thirty thousand
feet in the air, soon
to fall out poisonous on leaf,
frond, and fur. Everything
in sight would cease.
And still we cook,
putting a thousand cherished
dreams on the table, to nourish
and reassure those close and dear.
In this act of cooking, I bid farewell.
Always I insist you alone were to blame.
this last instant my eyes open
and I regard you with all
the tenderness and forgiveness
I withheld for so long.
With no-future
we have nothing
to fight about.
May all beings be happy, healthy, free
from suffering.

from the Tassajara Cookbook by Edward Espe Brown

Golden Eggs

The universe has presented us with many very special chicks, who never found their way into the coziest part of the nest. Nx

the searcher

If the heart wasn't such a searcher
Where would red poppies grow.

unresolved

      

Unresolved trauma stands at the gate
of everyday life.
     

Pick up Sticks.....

When I was a child one of my favorite games was "pick up sticks".

It was a game of surprises.
It was a game that engaged all of me.
It was my platform to practice with openness and intimacy.

What I learned intuitively about myself and the forces of the universe playing this game was humbling. It may have informed my interaction with nature in everyday life.
Now more than ever, do I really understand how many life skills I learned from this game.  

If you were not born in the 50's, this game may not be familiar to you.

 The game was played with a handful of plastic sticks about eight inches long. These sticks are very sharp at both ends and were made in bright, attractive colours. Like most games we played as children, very little equipment was needed. These coloured plastic sticks were all that was required; plastic sticks, gravity and balance.

Our parents provided the plastic sticks. The universe provided everything else we needed.

One gathered the sticks in one's hand, holding them firmly around the center, straightened the ends by gently tapping one end on the floor, stood them up as straight as one could , and released your grip. The sticks fell in a tangle of colour. It looked random. Was it random or clearly the result of causes and conditions?

The goal of the game was to drop the sticks and pick each one up individually, without disturbing any of the other sticks in the pile.

Once you removed the first stick, you had help. You had a tool to help you remove the rest.

Sometimes if you had a friend, you would take turns working on the pile. In this case, your friend's decisions affected what the pile would look like when it was your turn.  It could be a competition. All this comparative thought brought a special level of arousal. But sometimes I played by myself. It was me against the tangle of sticks that fell in front of me.
I practiced with the forces of nature. How much control did I really have.

One was always hoping for a gentle spread, with all the sticks displaying generous bits of themselves that could be easily removed. This was never the case. One or two of the sticks would come free from the pack and could be easily moved away, but mostly it was a tangle.

What lay unrehearsed in front of you was a tangle of colour and shape. The sticks had fallen on top of each other and there was a complexity of levels to be considered. At first glance, it always looked like an impossible situation. How would it be possible to remove these sticks without disturbing any other sticks. They were interconnected. Each meeting of colour and angle was unique and would require special consideration.

This job would require silence and a firm intention. In fact, in serious games of competition, it was required that you stated your intention before you started. If your movement to enact your true intention changed the conditions of the pile such that another stick dislodged, you could not take credit. The universe had removed it, not you. You had only triggered  the balance and gravity of the piece. Your turn was over.

Again, left with what was. Patience was essential.  There would have to be some acceptance, and an intuitive understanding of the forces of the universe. Any idea that you had full control of the outcome would develop into frustration. Frustration would never win this game for you.  


First, we would need to carefully observe the whole pile, intimately and intuitively understanding the reasons that the pile had arrived at equilibrium. How is it maintaining its balance and what intrusion would unbalance it. What are the causes and conditions of each piece. How deep is this piece lodged in the meeting of another piece. What conditions contributes to its unique balance.   


The child with his beginner's mind and his "I don't know" attitude inspecting every piece and its unique conditions.Then slowly, in silence and with a steady intentional mind, the move is made: a pinch on the pointy end with just enough force to raise the other end off a meeting place.....a careful slide under a small space beneath a tangle and a mindful flick; all accompanied by a constriction in the throat, a buzzing in the lower stomach....and then a  step back to see how the universe responded.
A child of the universe learning to be intimate with the energies of the universe.

The courageous attempt to disengage the tangle without creating more difficulties.The faith that you could manage the surprises that may present themselves. That moment when your faith in the next moment over rode your doubt about your limitations.

A gap and then the surprise.

The stories of the success or failure of the removal began immediately.

There were stories of disappointment.
There were stories of self reproach.
There were stories of blaming.
There were stories of pride.
There were stories of injustice.
There were stories relief.
There were stories of impatience.

Stories of the surprises.


to Ann
love Norma

THE SECRET....

That sweet night: a secret.
Nobody saw me;
I did not see a thing.
No other light, no other guide
Than the one burning in my heart.

John of the Cross

I don't know mind

An expression in Zen for a fertile, empty, listening mind is "I don't know mind".

The statement "I don't know" doesn't signify ignorance or stupidity or even humility; rather, it points to this kind of ready, fertile, receptive mind that has no preconceptions and no identities that need to be held as barriers against what wants to come in.
When an old Zen master was asked about this "I don't know mind", he said, "Not knowing is the most intimate". Since knowing gives us a definition and control, it enables us to keep the world at arm's length. Having established our ideas and preferences about what is, we no longer have to bother to pay attention. Not knowing, on the other hand, leaves us vulnerable and free. It brings us very close to experience, unprotected and fully engaged. Not knowing, we merge with what confronts us. We let go of identity and evaluation and allow ourselves to surrender to amazement.

so much more intimate not to know....this is from Norman Fischer's book...."Taking Our Places"....it is about growing up....maturing in the world of everything....not just what we choose or design.

gassho

The Snake in the Bamboo Tube

On my way to Tassajara, I spent a morning at the San Francisco Zen center and was honored to attend a dharma talk with the roshi of the center. She talked about the challenging places that humans find themselves when confronted with difficult emotions.  Her metaphor for this human suffering was a snake in a bamboo tube. 

Being no different from this snake, I could feel the  helplessness, confusion and desperation of the snake in this container. No air to breath, no way to move forward or to move back. Ensnared by suffering.

When humans struggle to be rid of uncomfortable emotions, they struggle like the snake in the bamboo tube. One cannot run from one self.

No space to breathe, just thrashing about harming themselves in their effort to be free of the truth of what has arrived on their path.

At the time I was experiencing deep grief. It had become a solid mass of pain in my body.

When discomfort or intense sensations come my way, my deep strong habit is to fix. “I will just fix this thing "out here", and then I will feel more comfortable "in here.” And after years of being an excellent fixer, I put this habit of fixing with all its obsessive energy to work on my grief. 

The loss I was experiencing was profound and so painful. It could not stay in my body. I could not breath. There was no space. I had lost the future. I was trapped in the past. Like that snake. 

All my attempts to fix increased my  confusion.  When faced with the acceptance of loss, I reflexibly choose confusion. It was my default. Maybe I could say....confusion arrived uninvited. 

 The snake was still thrashing in the tube. I would try my old habit of "trying harder." This manifested as my  mind generating obsessive stories: day and night. All the air was sucked out of the tube.

 My strongest reaction was to ask “why”.....like this question would deliver some control over loss.  I thought the question “why” would contain the information I needed to escape the truth of this reality in my life. As I tried harder , the space became smaller. 

 My ignorance lay in the belief that I felt that I could make this grief go away by using my thoughts and I could get away with not having to have a deep loving relationship with loss.

None of my habits of fixing, none of my habits of distraction, none of my habits of analyzing, none of my habis of trying harder, none of my habits of distracting myself from my discomfort worked.
I was wiggling desperately.  I could not escape. And believe me......I was banging at the problem..... shoving it away, harming myself every day with obsessive thoughts on how to make sense of it. I just wanted my body to rest and my mind to find peace.

In time, I started to understand that the conditions of loss were not all created by me.

My friends and family had all but abandoned me....no one could manage the level of my suffering....they were desperate for me to heal, so they would not have to suffer anymore. No one could just sit with me and witness this pain in my life.

I was alone. I felt broken and unlovable.

In despair of ever being understood, I started to isolate....deeper in the bamboo tube.

It took me a while to realize that my usual strategies were escalating the suffering. A friend of mine said to me, “if you haven’t solved this problem with all the time and energy you have put into it; then you must be working on the wrong problem”. As irritating as I found this to be....I do not like “not knowing” or “not being right”; I was grateful to have this friend that had sat and witnessed my pain and I respected her insight. 

It was a journey. I learned along the way that to heal, I would need to figure out exactly “what it is?’ ....not why it is?....not “how it is”...but “what is it? I needed to have a very private and intimate relationship with my grief or I would be “stuck in this tube ” forever. It was about engaging in an intimate relationship with my direct experience of "it". Leave the thoughts and enter the body.

I lived in a big arbutus forest at the time, and one day I just walked into the forest and sat down on the ground. I was just the snake laying limp in the tube...with no more fight in me. I was now ready to surrender. I decided to sit there forever.

Well, I did sit for a long time. Every time my mind started stories of anger, sadness, and fixing....I just watched and listened to the stories I told myself. I just watched and listened.....my witness to myself .....”there is that angry story again....let it go, it does not help....there is that story of sadness...let it go, it does not help". I witnessed  the confusion and recognized the stories that I wanted to believe...the stories that I thought would remove me from my internal pain. Finally, I was able to turn myself toward the pain.....I opened my arms and heart, took a deep, deep breath, and said “come to me, I am ready to just sit still with you”....I was frightened but there were no other options. The most amazing thing happened. On the in breath, I invited it forward.... I turned towards it and leaned in to it, as one would do with a strong wind.....I braced...but felt no resistance. I felt heat. My body felt like it was on fire.....deep heat everywhere in my body. The healing had begun.

That is when I started to build a bigger container for the snake. I started to breath space into the tube. Every time my foot hit the ground, I would breath into the wound in my heart.

This was my meditation. I started to stay like a log with my suffering. This was my quiet, private opening to the pain in my life......the embracing and releasing of the pain that has been entrusted to me.

I would learn to be patient with myself. Patience being, nothing to do, other than not fear what is ultimately true. As I grew more accepting of what had been laid on my path and less involved with the plans to get rid of it, my container became bigger....my heart became bigger, my grief stayed the same. I could breath now. The snake remained in the tube but now was quiet and restful.....accepting of its container.

When I feel the constriction arise, I can sometimes find the wound in my heart and breath cool air into it. I expand the bamboo tube so the snake can move freely. This takes mindfulness and I always must pause and find my breath.

I aspire to stay open, receptive and soft bellied towards my life. This pain I now carry through my life is just part of who I am....it has made me more compassionate towards others...it was a gift... not one I would have asked for....but one I was given anyway.

Once inside the bamboo tube the snake learns a new way.

gassho